~Pentagon Announces New 'Operation Desert Good Ole Boy'

“I knew this mission was gonna be different when the Lieutenant said to leave our weapons behind and to wear comfortable shoes”, said PFC Marcus Swift about operation Desert Good Ole Boy, a new and broad Pentagon initiative for putting down the insurgency in Iraq. “And instead of handing out rations and water beforehand, the supply Sergeant just gave us straight whiskey”.

“I surprised (known Al-Qaeda linked terrorist) Mohamed Al-Akbar in the courtyard walking to the bathroom or something”, says PFC Buddy Spears from Farwell, Nebraska. He was pretty surprised to see an American G.I. just waltzing into his place like that; not armed to the teeth, no Kevlar and no, like, 20 helicopters hovering overhead. But I’m pretty sure he didn’t have to finish his trip to the bathroom when I was done with him, because I had already, totally beaten the crap out of that guy.”

While Spears was outside giving Al-Akbar the beating of his life the rest of his platoon had entered the mud-brick home located in Northwest Fallujah from a back window and had surprised Al-Akbar’s comrades in various positions of rest, relaxation and even insurgence.

“(Yemeni national) Hamada Ghafour dropped the grenade launcher he was oiling and tried bolting for the door but Dick (PFC Richard Notts) and I done cornered him and beat him like a red-headed step-child.” Reported Corporal Nick Lyle. “Stop terrorizing innocent people…and those roadside bombs. Dude, stop doing that cheap stuff,” the soldiers yelled at him as they reigned blow after blow upon him.

“Red-headed step child,” He repeated pounding his fist to add emphasis. “But he was better off then that one dude from Syria. The Lieutenant and Sergeant Bufts took him into a side room and....well, the only thing he got by coming here was some Syria-ous pain.”

After thoroughly, soundly and severely thumping the known insurgents the unit took some food from their fridge, changed the scrolling marquis on their PCs to read “these colors don’t run” and simply walked out the front door; leaving the rebels with black and blue bodies and heads…heads that were busy trying to compute what the heck had just happened.

“No, we didn’t disarm them or search the premises for contraband,” said Lieutenent Jim Warren from Waco, Texas. “We had to beat feet to Tikrit to rock that one dude from Saudi Arabia's world. Our intel said it was his birthday.”

Such missions are now being carried out all over Iraq, from Mosul to Basra with the idea for operation Desert Good Ole Boy being said to have come straight from the Oval Office, reports a high-ranking official on the condition of anonymity.

“The President had just been given a grim assessment by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld concerning the tenacity and ideology of the insurgents. ‘They simply don’t care if they die or not, Mr. President’ Rumsfeld told Bush."

The President then reportedly stared at a painting of Abraham Lincoln for several moments as if trying to find some sort of guidance.

"Well", he responded, "Would they mind getting beaten to within an inch of their lives?" Everyone in the oval office grew very quiet. It wasn’t so much that they had felt a policy shift had just happened, but it was more like ‘Yeah…let’s get back to our roots. Let’s totally rock these guys. We’ve made dying way too easy what with our unmanned drones and tomahawk cruise missles. Whatever happened to America making examples out of people?’”

“Word will get around the Iraq.” The President reportedly told Rumsfeld. “We’re not going to let these people just up and die anymore. They’re going to have to face us day after day. This is their day job now. They’re working 9 to 5.”

When asked how the Coalition should go about executing this new directive the President suggested enlisting more guys from “The south.” Bush then leaned across the desk, looked Rumsfled in the eye and said “The deep south”.

“Let’s tell them we’re not Al-Qidding anymore.”

The new initiative has been met with wide approval from almost all branches of military service with Platoons roaming the streets in their free time looking for rebels to beat, and some openly hoping the war escalates into a conflict with Syria or Iran. “I heard Osama might be hiding there. I’d love to be the guy who gives Bin Laden his first wedgie” reported Lieutenant Toby Brax outside of a market in Baghdad as he let former Iraqi Republican Guard member Khalid Moqed out of a headlock and sent him scurrying and limping into an alleyway.

“Tell your friends about me!”, he yelled after him.

“Yee-haw” exclaimed PFC Roger Dawson sitting down to ice his hands back in the mess hall. “Let’s take the hummer next time and blast like Aerosmith’s Walk This Way or Queen’s We Will Rock You. That would totally elevate me to the next level.”

Just then Corporal Dan Jenkins entered the hall and with typical, sunshiney American bravado Dawson and Jenkins pointed at each other, winked and in cadence said their unit’s new slogan: “Take no prisoners, leave no casualties.”

~TOOTSIE ROLLS GIVE UP

Tootsie Rolls, the chewey chocolately candy known worldwide, gave up Wednesday, after a long and dedicated effort to trick the American public into thinking they tasted good.

"Oh well," Said Tootsie Rolls CEO Rick Myran. "We gave it a real good effort. Americans are incredibly aware of our existence but whenever they eat us, it's really more of an obligatory thing."

"Wow...that's shocking," remarked Jean Murrow of Toledo, Ohio when told the news. "But I guess it's true. The only time I ever eat one of those things is when firemen throw them at a parade or they're in a waiting room or something."

Meanwhile, in related news, Peeps sighed and announced that they'll stick it out another year.

Of these 480 "midgees" it is estimated that only between 3-5 will actually make it inside a human being's stomach. 200 will lay scattered in a cluttered desk drawer of a college student's dorm room, 125 will somehow go unnoticed under the couch and in its cushions, 75 will be discontentedly chewed on by dogs, and the rest will melt into an unrollable, sticky pile inside some car down south.

~FLIGHT ATTENDANT’S HAIR GOES ON STRIKE

Further complicating the airline industry’s woes – along with Northwest’s Mechanic’s strike, soaring fuel costs, bankruptcy filings and wage disputes- The Flight Attendant’s Hair Union went on strike Tuesday afternoon.

Citing excessive perming and highlighting, along with persistent and “unattractive” crimping as their main grievances, the tired heads of hair walked off the job at around 3pm (EST).

“I’m tired of trying to make that old hag look like she’s 25,” said a disgusted scalp of brunette. “Unless we get some Herbal Essence concessions I’m going to find a soccer mom, or bank teller somewhere and give her a silky sheen until retirement.”

“If she comes at me with that Paul Mithchell Aerosol hairspray one more time, I swear”, the hair added.

~CHURCH IN RICHMOND REALLY REACHING FOR PRAYER REQUESTS

Desperately in need of a car accident or cancer, members of Monument Congregational are really reaching for prayer requests sources reported Tuesday.

"Jessica's attempts to find the right prom dress have proven totally unsuccessful" said an obviously drained member to the congregation during the prayer request portion of last Sunday's service as other members sympathetically murmured in their pews.

"We're going to go to the city on friday to try and find something that will work and are hoping for...anything that will work."

"We faithfully place this in His hands," she added.

"Pastor?" Dean Saez said, raising his hand from his pew.

"Yes, Dean. Update us on your Sons's condition."

"Well he's still stuck working the frier. It's tough for him because he feels he's ready to work the register or even to restock the drinks," Saez responded, pausing to lean forward and clasp his hands. "He really needs our prayers at this time."

~THOMAS STILL NEEDS MORE PROOF THAT HE'S ACTUALLY IN HEAVEN

Famed doubter and apostle, Thomas, still "cannot
believe" that he's in heaven, several exasperated
sources reported Friday.

"He just always has this skeptical look on his face",
reported Moses. "I mean we'll hit him over the head
with a sack of gold and rubies and he still acts like
this is some Folger's Crystals commercial or
something."

Moses added that he hasn't seen anyone this phased by
heaven since Stephen first arrived and had to "walk
off" that stoning.

~PUNK-SIGHTING REMINDS LOCAL MAN TO GO BACK AND LOCK HIS CAR

A random punk-sighting Tuesday reminded local man, Dean Miller, to return to his Ford Taurus and lock it.

“I was heading to the Photo Shop to pick up some pictures when I saw that group of punks hanging out on the stairs, smoking pot and worshipping satan and what-not. I immediately remembered that I hadn’t locked my car,” reported the 72 year old Miller.
“I wasted no time heading back to the Ford and locking it.”

“Damn kids…” Miller added

~SOME DUDE NAMED EDDIE BAUER “REALLY ENJOYING ALL HIS FREE MONOGRAMMING”

Some dude living in Oklahoma is “really enjoying all the free monograms” sources reported early this morning. From polo shirts, to his toiletry kit and even to his Ford Explorer Edward Bauer is eating up the free gift of monogramming.

"I'm the easiest person in the world to shop for," Eddie reported as he folded his Deluxe Eddie Bauer bed sheets.

"Wanna see my mouse pad?," Bauer added as he shuffled along in his First Edition Eddie Bauer slippers.

Meanwhile, Jenny Craig of Fort Banks, Ohio ate chocolate chips straight from the bag while no one was looking Friday

~APPLE INTRODUCES NEW iGOD; Humanity told to "Worship this"

Apple introduced the new Apple iGod yesterday to much fanfare.

"With its bright LCD screen, portability, sleek design and 20GB memory capacity the new iGod is as functional as it is omniscient."Announched Apple CEO, and High Priest, Steve Jobs. "Bow down, humanity. Bow down and worship the new iGod."

"Do it now", Jobs added.

Response to the new product was mixed:

"I love my iGod," exclaimed marketing representative Nicole Booth. "With my busy lifestyle there was less and less time in my life for religion. But now with the new iGod I can take my deity everywhere. From the subway to the office to the gym, I am never far from my Lord who guides and protects and entertains me…My Lord and the new Black-Eyed Peas single. That stuff is hot!"

But Doctor of religion at the University of Connecticut Peter Clyde expressed some dismay. "The invention of the iGod brings to the surface many questions about human existence and our place in the universe. If I own two iGods, does that make me a polytheist? And can you take it swimming with you? I think not and what kind of god is that?"

Despite such questions Apple stresses that sales will be brisk with high customer satisfaction and are gearing up for the huge "tithe once" ad campaign.

"A one-time tithe of $299.00 and you're in the flock permanently," Steve Jobs says in the promo ad. "And if you’re feeling particularly pious for another mere $50.00 you can upgrade to the iPostle and enjoy wireless e-mail and...praying...yes praying. That's the ticket."

“This is one Apple Eve would have been proud to have forced upon Adam…” Jobs goes on. “Do it now.”

Where two or more are gathered

~ANCIENT JOURNAL OF TIMATHAYUS, YOUTH PASTOR, 40 AD! UNCOVERED

A portion of an ancient journal uncovered in Greece was apparently kept by a wild and crazy youth pastor from around 40 AD, scientists announced today.

"While much remains to be learned from this important document, one thing does remain clear. This young man was a rascal. Insuppresible for sure."

Archaologists made the discovery while working to unearth a tell in Northeastern Greece. The torn edge of the parchment was found rolled up inside some goat skin...believed to be an early, primitive hacky-sack.

"Unfortunately the majority of the journal has been lost to antiquity," reported Dr. Silas Pierce, the lead achaeologist on the expedition. "But we feel very privileged to uncover the portion we did."


What follows is the translation from Koine Greek to English of what was written on that ancient parchment so many years ago:


Today we had a Chariot Wash to raise shekels for our mission's trip to Corinth. This one Roman Centurion dude was real picky and demanded that we make his wheels extra shiny. "As bright as the Emperor's devotion to his people, Christian scum!" I almost didn't share Christ with him because I wanted him to go to hell so bad.
I can't wait for Paul and Barnabas to get here! They're the coolest Chistians a lion will ever eat!!
Yeah!! Woow!!

Many in the scientific and youth ministry community are blown away by the find.
"The energy, the focus...the passion! I wonder if it's too late to make this into a book of the Bible. Kinda like Philemon or Titus or something, ya know? He's so rad" commented youth pastor Fish. (no last name given)

~MEN'S DEODORANT MARKETER CAN'T SLEEP

Men's deodorant marketer, Andy Barber, couldn't sleep a wink Tuesday night trying to think of a name for a new type of Right Guard deodorant, sources reported.

"Blue Electric Mountain Crush...." Barber muttered to himself as he flipped through stations on his TV. "No no no... 'Icy DropKick Plunge'!". Glassy-eyed and defeated Barber then went and stared out his front window.

Such mental racking doesn't come as a surprise to John Willis of the United States Patent Office who says that the source for men's deodorant names is quickly turning into a dry well. "For a while there we were getting a couple hundred a week. You know, "Fresh Mountain", "Icy Sport", "Tundra"....that kinda thing. But lately they've really been reaching. They're gonna have to start using numbers and symbols to name their brands, or something. I mean, look at this one from Gillette: "Killer Kold Rock Star Fantasia". You believe that? That's strong enough for a man but PH balanced for utter failure."

Meanwhile, back at his home, Barber was staring at the ceiling above his bed for an answer, passing in and out of sleep. "Polar Bear Roar!...oh, that's weak...What about "Comet Cosmic Clean!"

"Ugh...I miss college" Barber added. "Good times, good times."

The 34 year old father of two finally let himself drift off to sleep after settling on "Eskimo Killer Robots Explosion of Ice Shards!"

~LOCAL MAN LOSES HIS DVD REMOTE CONTROL; IS TOTALLY SCREWED NOW

Local man, Jason Hughes, has lost his DVD remote control and is "royally screwed now" report his circle of friends. "He can't do crap with his DVDs."

Hughes first bought his DVD player in June, a Samsung 8900, with some extra money he got doing a side job for his boss. "Jason loved that DVD player and ever since he got it he's just been going crazy buying like the Star Wars movies and stuff," says his boss, Doug Ereeton. "But his machine is useless without that remote. The front panel to his player has 4 buttons: power, eject, play and stop. No scene selection, no extras, no director's cut and you can forget the wide-screen edition and bloopers, pal. No more slowing down the light sabre battle between Obie Wan and Darth Maul, either...You're screwed, pal."

His other friends, who helped Hughes search his couch cushions and potted plants, agreed that the situation seemed hopeless. "I came in the other day and he was sitting on his couch watching Braveheart and i was like 'Dude! did you find your remote?' and he just shook his head and said that 'it's on TBS'," remarked close friend, Mark Saez.

"I was like 'The superstation, Jay?! You're actually watching the Superstation?? Poor guy."

"I've looked everywhere," said a glossy-eyed hughes as he rested his soda on top of a "Matrix Reloaded" DVD, which now serves as a coaster, and turned his attention towards CNN Headline News. "I've pretty much given up and am going to put my DVDs on ebay and then pull back out my VHS player...it always treated me right."

"Ooh look", he added. "We invaded Iraq?"

~LANE OF TRAFFIC NEEDS NEW LEADERSHIP

The participants of a lane of traffic, southbound, all agreed unanimously that they require fresh leadership, sources reported late Thursday.

"Ford F-250 what's happened to you?," Darlene Shaker, driver of the black Volvo muttered under her breath. "Look at you. You've totally lost your nerve."

"Merge man, merge! Why aren't you merging??", yelled out Rick Wynn as he punched the steering wheel of his Impala. "Just because it's 'the end of late fees' at BlockBuster doesn't mean I don't have places to go!"

The lane of traffic, formed loosely of IBM workers, Friendly's waitresses, United Steel workers and Border's books employees, has been drively smoothly together during rush hour since last september when the new section of I-40 was opened. Even in rough weather F-250 has successfully, yea bravely, led them through tense construction areas, sticky on ramp/off ramp congestions and traffic accidents but late Thursday, upon encountering the scene of an accident between a Geo Metro and a white-tailed deer, the F-250 showed unacceptable indecision.

"He had no idea what to do," reported Corky Gibson. "He was just like that deer. Froze in the headlights. We all waited for a few seconds out of anticipation and respect but were pretty relieved when the Silver Acura sprang into action and led us on into the breakdown lane and past the scene of the accident. No one really looked at F-250 when we drove past...but I did. He was looking straight ahead in shock, his face drained of color."

"I saw him once at a gas station filling up his truck", Gibson reported wistfully, taking a long sip from his Starbucks travel mug. "He had keys, cellphone and a leatherman on his belt...the trifecta! I thought 'dang, what a leader' but I guess even the best leaders reach the point where they become ineffective."

"Plus", Gibson added. "I'm really excited to see what that 8 cylinder Acura can do at the intersection by the mall. No more slow starts, stranding the Taurus and Blazer behind. We're all gonna make it home in time for Jeopardy tomorrow."

~THE MEN OF THE WORLD MEET TO SETTLE "THIS" ONCE AND FOR ALL

The men of the world gathered together in Atlanta on Saturday to settle "This" once and for all.

"Okay, fellas, let's settle "this" thing," said President Bush with a look and tone of determination. "'This' is some important legislation. I want focus here. If I see any write-ins for Mary Anne or Ginger I swear..."

Most of the men fell in line, relieved at the thought of finally having "this" settled but there was some in-fighting.

"Nabazeet Noonkozi Marcia!" Screamed Dinka Tribesman Mugala Nekata as he waved a spear menacingly over the head of Tyler Jones, who had come from San Francisco to voice his favor of Winnie. Tyler assumed the fetal position until other Winnie-supporters could come to his rescue and chase Nekata off.

Men from all over the world arrived by plane, auto, camel and kayak for the historic meeting held in Atlanta over the weekend. "I grew up watching Topanga," said 24 year old Wesley Zunns from Clifton Park, NY. "I wasn't going to let this go by without showing my support. Man meets past."

"I Love you Topanga!!", Zunns added.

While voting appeared heavily Marcia-slanted early on in the day in exit polling, it appears that her voting lacked stamina as most of her supporters went back to their hotels for a 4:30 dinner and a nap.

So the winner?

Winnie, of course.

Everyone knows "that".

Duh.

~INJURED YOUTH PASTOR CARED FOR BY LOCAL FAMILY

"We think it got hit by a car," Roy Grant told reporters early Saturday morning about the hurt youth pastor they found in the road. "Its leg looks broken. But we'll make sure it gets the TLC it needs to get back to spreading the gospel soon."

The Grant family - which is comprised of father Roy, mother June, son Daniel and daughter Kelly - have placed the male Youth Pastor (Presbyterius Outdoorrecius) in a box in their garage and have been feeding him a steady diet of power bars and Red Bull energy drink, the only foods he responds to.

"Look at the little fella go," June said giggling as she brought the Nalgene bottle to his lips and watched him suck the Red Bull down. "Kelly, hold back his curly blond locks of hair."

"Can we keep him Mommy? Can we, can we?"

"Haha...We'll see honey. We'll see"

The Grants found the Youth Pastor in the road late Friday night when they were returning from a movie. He was unconscious and the pieces of a shattered acoustic guitar lay all aroud him.

"At first we thought he was just slain in the spirit but then we noticed the bruises to his leg and torso and the blood dripping from beneath his bandana. Poor little guy."

Several local pastors have been contacted but all have said that their youth pastors are accounted for.

"He probably got seperated from a kayaking trip or something," surmised local Methodist minister Chuck Rubin. "I suggested to the Grants that they check the pockets of his EMS cargo shorts for any sort of indentifying object but they couldn't find anything. When Brice, my youth pastor, went missing last year luckily he had a movie ticket stub for Van Helsing in his pocket which had the name and number of our local movie theatre on it."

All the Grants can do now is wait: Wait for his handlers to come and find him or wait for him to get strong enough to communicate through vague anecdotes or a puppet show where his home is.

"Sure is a cute guy," Roy said as he scratched him behind the ears. "But he's certainly not a pure-bred. Looks like he went to Calvin for a couple of years and then transferred to Wheaton or something."

~OBESE CUSTOMER ASKED IF HE “WANTS THE RING DINGS LEFT OUT”

Obese shopper Stu Mullin was asked point blank on Friday by grocery bagger Rob Sarton if he wanted his Ring Dings left out.

“Hey Dude,” Sarton reportedly asked the 340 lb Mullin. “You want me to just leave these Ring Dings out for ya’?”

After stammering in embarrassment for a moment the computer programmer consented, acknowledging that they wouldn’t make it home.
“Good,” replied Sarton as he put the plastic bag back. “That’ll save a tree.”

~ASHTON KUTCHER PUNKS SATAN; GOES TO HEAVEN

The Prince of Darkness was just that - in the dark - Friday when he went to greet the recently deceased Ashton Kutcher at Hell’s gates. He was in for a surprise.

“Boo yeah!” yelled the secretly devout Christian and star of That 70’s Show as he skipped on past the dropped-jawed gathering of satan and his demons. "I’m heading on up to the pearly gates and leaving you chumps behind to burn in the lake of fire!”

“I totally had you fooled with all that drinking and womanizing and partying and blah blah blah. Didn’t I? Didn’t I??!!”

“Boo-Yah!” Kutcher added.

~CHICKEN McNUGGETS DECLARE: "STILL GOT IT!"

Chicken McNuggets, the famed crunchy-on-the-outside, tender-on-the-inside food item from McDonald's, announced Friday that he still had it.

"I still got it!", the McNuggets announced loudly to other members of the McDonald's food family at a south street location in Rutland after a little 5 year old girl consumed her portion with almost crazed delight.

"Did you see that kid's face light up? I'm just that good."

"If food could be celebrities," the McNuggets went on, "I'd be Tom Cruise's and Oprah Winfrey's love child...Paparazzi be gettin' tendonitis and stuff from taking so many pictures. Ye-uh Boyyyz."

The self-adulation was met with some muffled grumbling from the Egg McMuffin. "Whoa, what was that 'breakfast menu'?" the McNuggets countered.

"Something you wanna say??"

"You heard me," the mcMuffin suddenly shot back. "You're just a flash in the pan, smoke and mirrors treat. You think you feed this nation? No little friend. You-do-not-feed-this-nation. Hashbrowns and I do more just from 7 to 11 am to keep this country running then you do all day."

"Flash in the pan??? What? Do I look like a Happy Meal to you?" McNuggets sputtered. "Lick me...Lick me, son!! Do I taste like a Shamrock Shake to you?!!" He said before huffing off in a rage.

"Yeah? Come back here and finish what you started," The McMuffin called after him.

"What are ya'? Chicken? hahahaha."

"This is pretty commonplace behavior," reported the venerable french fries. "All products like to feel valued and unique within the menu with some trying harder than others to assert their dominance. Doesn't affect me too much anymore but I do worry about the psychological effects it might have on a little guy like McGriddle. Creates a lot of pressure out there."

Meanwhile, back in the prep area, McNuggets was recounting his magical experience to the quarter-pounder and 20 oz. Diet coke when the sandwhich lost his usual cool and snapped at the chicken treat. "You know what man?", the quarter-pounder stated as he melted a piece of cheese on his all-beef patty in anger. "You strut around here, talking game like you're a freakin’ Wendy's Frosty or something. But at the end of the day esay, you're just a deep fried bunch of mixed-up chicken parts."

"How does it feel, homes?", he went on. "How does it feel to need 3 kinds of sauces just to make your ass edible?"

"Yeah! Suck my straw!" yelled the Diet coke in agreement, condensation forming on her outside.

McNuggets then erupted into a furor, threatening to toss the quarter-pounder into the shake machine and make him a "one-sixteenth pounder" forcing foods to take sides, poultry against beef, and pitting soft serve against McFlurry.

"Things were looking pretty grim," reported the cup of coffee, whose contents are extremely hot, "but then he stepped in."

"Hey!!", shouted the Big Mac angrily and with authority as he cast his shadow over the other food items. "What the frig is going on here? Ya'll be trippin'... acting like this is White Castle or something. Pull yourself together. We've got a bus-load of sightseers coming in here in a second and then it's show time."

The shamed items looked at the ground in self-loathing quiet. After sighing deeply the Big Mac continued: "Chicken McNuggets, no one doubts that you are truly talented at the dipping treat thing you do. But you've got to respect the 9 to 5 workhorses like the Big n' Tasty too. It's all about teamwork here. You don't get over 1 billion served by highlighting your differences."

Everyone nodded or voiced their agreement and sheepishly slapped each other on the back.

"Now, everyone, snap to it and let's feed these fatsos." The Big Mac then shot a knowing look to the french fries who smiled back before plunging into the frier.

"I think it's funny when that stuff happens. It really livens up the day" reported the apple pie wedge.

"I agree", offered the McChicken sandwhich. "I'm lovin' it."

~LOCAL MAN'S DAY REDEEMED BY A MIDGET SIGHTING

Local man Howard Barry had a bad day Monday; he got into a huge argument with his wife, his car blew a tire, he bounced a check, the Sox lost and he developed a wet, hacking cough towards the day's end. But this horrible day was redeemed for Barry by a rare and much-appreciated midget sighting.

"Wow! Look at the little fella!" exclaimed Barry loudly, in his car, as he passed the midget on the sidewalk. "He's got shoes and a belt and everything!"

"He's just like a regular human being but smaller!" he added enthusiastically as he continued to view the midget in his rear view mirror.

This event caused Barry to think philosophically. "Ya know, just when you begin to doubt whether life is worth the living, a midget takes time out of his day to walk to the store or wherever and get some Pringles or something and totally brighten your day."

Barry considered stopping to thank the midget but wasn't sure if they knew English or not.

~TSUNAMI VICTIM RECEIVES "ENTERTAINMENT" COUPON BOOK IN BOX OF DONATIONS

Rohalla Togala lost his home, possessions and entire family when the deadly Tsunami ravaged his island last year. But he lost even more when he received a box of donations from the USA this week - his dignity.

"Buy 25 munchkins at any participating Dunkin Donuts and get another 25 munchkins for 50% off?? Say what? What the heez?? Is this some kind of cruel joke?", asked Togala as he squatted behind some rusted oil barrels, hiding, so other islanders wouldn't kill him for his box.

"Sbarro? What?!?", the now-boatless fisherman added with a furrowed brow.

The coupon book began its journey to the Indian Ocean at a church event in Des Moines to raise support for the victims of December's devastating tsunami. The book travelled by train, plane, truck, boat and helicopter along with clothing, canned goods, clean water and medicine. Once it had reached Indonesia it was randomly sorted into a box to be delivered to survivors. The book contains valuable "50% off" coupons in it for many restaurants, movie theatres, boutiques, hotels, amusement parks and grocery stores...none of which can be found in or near Togala's island or surrounding archipalaegos.

"Yeah, I remember seeing that book," reported USAid worker Joanne Smart. "I thought hey... Toilet paper is toilet "anything" round here."

"Wasn't that Entertainment coupon book for 1999 anyway?", chipped in a Red Cross volunteer.

Meanwhile, back on the island, Togala was searching his soul and the heavens for an explanation:

"Why, Oh Jimbutu?", He addressed his ancestral god. "Why was I offered a complimentary whopper junior when I purchase another whopper junior of equal or greater value at the downtown Camp Rd. Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa???"

"And PopSecret microwave popcorn?", The animated man continued as he further rifled through the box. "Yes, American...I will pop this in my shiny samsung microwave and eat it while watching Harry Potter on DVD!" he lamented sarcastically as he slammed both fists into the ground in inarticulate grief. "I will plant these kernels and grow a magical popcorn tree with which I will climb into the heavens and away from all this disease and famine!"

Togala then curled up in his box and slept.

~VICTIM OF HOUSE FIRE NAILS HIS LINES

Local man Patrick Weinman, the victim of a devastating house fire, nailed his lines late Friday night while standing in front of the smoldering ruins of his two-story house sources close to the incident reported.

"What's important is that everyone is okay", Weinman told reporters standing in a bathrobe wearing one slipper while his other bare foot stood in a puddle of sooty water. "You can always replace possessions but you can't replace lives."

"Sure we lost some of our nice things," the computer programmer said without missing a beat, "but as long as Susie, Jeff and Caroline are okay then we can rebuild and move on."

With only slight prodding from a veteran firefighter Weinman forced a smile and added: "I guess this is what insurance is for."

"I thought he did great. Real good effort," firefighter Tom Moreland said. "Even with the burnt, ashen remains of his parent's love letters from World War II fluttering to the ground around him he still was composed enough to remember his lines."

"The kid is a natural", Moreland added. "You can't teach that."

"I agree", chimed in Sheriff Kirk Patchman who arrived on the scene just as the fire was being put out. "I was at a house fire last week where the lady just crumpled into a heap on her lawn and shook violently as the timbers of her house fell in on themselves and you could hear her fine China being smashed. When people lose every dear possession they have you feel bad. But when, on top of that, they freeze in the headlights and can't give the newspapers a good quote...well that's just awful to watch."

"But this guy tonight must have eaten his Wheaties," Patchman said as he stared at the smoke rising up above the treetops. "It's going to be my honor to drive him and his family over to the Best Western tonight."

~Grocery Store Shopper 4 Items Over Limit Tells Express Lane Cashier: "Just Do It."

Personal financial planner Mark Hogan told Hannaford grocery store express lane cashier Lisa Falkert to "just do it" after she raised concerns about his being 4 items over the 10 item limit, Tuesday afternoon.

"Just take my package of tofu and slide it over your little thingy and make it beep," Hogan coached Falkert. "It's just like petting a dog. Who's a good girl? You're a good girl. Now check me out of here."

When Falkert, a high school drop-out and mother of 3, expressed further concern at the abuse of the express lane code of conduct saying that "14 items was pushing it", Hogan had to rachet up his attempts.

"Listen, when you drive your Ford Tempo home later and are watching Judging Amy in your Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore nightshirt, eating Oreos and yelling at your kids to shut the hell up you'll actually have something to feel good about...helping me get out of here quickly so I can get my Volvo to the Bose audio installer before they close," Hogan told her as he handed her a package of alfalfa sprouts hoping it would encourage her feelings of being downtrodden, resigned and defeated.

Suddenly, Jim Brock, a local landscaper sympathetic to the blue collar uttered a "C'mon Buddy."

Before he or anyone else could fire the "She's just doing her job" bomb, Hogan, a former polo star at Yale, wheeled around quickly and told the 7 people behind him "No one try to be a hero." Adjusting his Italian leather belt and taking time to look everyone in the eye, Hogan licked his lips and then returned his attention to Falkert.

"No. You don't want to do that," He told the 23 year old blonde girl with permed hair as she reached for her microphone in order to call a manager. "I forbid you to do that. That would be a mistake." Grabbing the bottle of Centrum vitamins off the conveyor he shook it to get her attention.

"My wife just had plastic surgery and the Doctor said that to keep her immune system strong she needs to take a full regimine of B complex vitamins with plenty of zinc." He adjusted his glasses in order to look her in the eye over the top of his rims. "If you kill my wife I swear to God."

"Hey!" he snapped as several customers behind him audibly sighed with disgust.

When he turned back around again he noticed that Falkert had flicked her switch and her light was blinking to attract the attention of the floor manager.

"For the love of Mike," Hogan said in contempt closing his eyes. Then in a whisper poisoned with venom, "I'll give you 10 bucks."

"20", she quickly responded reaching for his salmon steak.

"Okay" *pause* "....$20.00" he said clicking his Oxfords impatiently on the ground.

"Is there a problem here?," Scott Messner, the floor manager on duty asked as he approached the check-out.

"No sir. I hit the switch by accident when I was reaching for this gentleman's organic Canadian yogurt. There's no problem here. Nothing."

"You don't need quarters or coupon bags or a police escort for this man?"

"No Sir....everything is as it should be. But I need to take my cigarette break soon and I need next Wednesday off because Ray has his court date then and I need to give him a ride."

~Kerry Urges All Americans To Toast Their Pop Tarts

In a recent speech indicating a substantial policy change, John Kerry urged all Americans to put aside "years of dry eating" and to once again return to normalcy by "doing the right thing and toasting their Pop Tarts."

"Under this administration people have given up all Pop Tart pretense...just resigning themselves to eating them raw straight from their silver-lined plastic wrappers. This is not the America I want to live in," Kerry told a gathering of steel workers at a factory just outside Pittsburgh.

"I guess that my opponent, George Bush, just prefers the Tomahawk cruise missile -roasted flesh of an Iraqi peasant to the ooey gooey goodness of a hot blueberry Pop Tart," he added as campaign workers wheeled out several toasters and began toasting the kellogg's breakfast snack for all in attendence. “We must think of the children.”

"Mmmm," a delightedly confused Ted King, 46, remarked as he broke apart a freshly toasted pop tart and devoured it. "That funny-looking liberal Senator from Massachusettes may be on to something. When he said that these were invented in 1964 under the Johnson Admnistration and were designed to be toasted I thought it was just some more nutzo stuff from him...but he's right. This is truly the man to lead us into the 21st century. This man is truly a problem solver. May I have another??”

"Ooh, look, there's even a little steam", Raymond Trudeau pointed out to his wife, Dolores as they enjoyed a hot cinnamon and brown sugar breakfast treat. "That's the same kind of steam he'll be putting on Osama Bin laden, I'm sure."

"Eat, America, eat...Look at you. You're skin and bones," Kerry told the assemblage as he looked over them from the stage. "That's right. Toast it. Good, good."

The Bush camp has shot back, saying that this is more evidence of desperation from the issue-strapped democratic nominee.

"President Bush has always been a big supporter of toasting Pop Tarts," White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters yesterday. “Just the other day Dick (Vice President Cheney) rushed into the Oval Office all flushed saying that they were late for a meeting with the Joint Chiefs. Bush just calmly put a finger to his mouth asking for quiet and then pointed to the toaster up against the wall. ‘I’m not going anywhere without a hearty, healthy breakfast…and a warm one too, Dick. The buck stops here.’”

McClellan also told reporters that if they wanted to know how to get that nasty mustard stain out of their favorite khakis, Bush was “the right man for you.”

~RED HYMNAL HATES THE BLUE HYMNAL

Sources inside the Freedom In Christ Presbyterian Church of Fayettville announced that the bitter feud between the red and blue hymnals in the church pews has reached a fevered pitch.

“Yeah, I hate that blue hymnal,” said the older, more-worn red hymnal to reporters on Saturday. “Ever since Vera (Flynn) died and her family bought that set to honor her I get no action…except on Easter when they need to sing Up From The Grave He Arose. I was here back when Eisenhower was President!”

“That’s total bull-@#%$”, the red hymnal added. “And don’t even get me started on that stapled-together chorus sheet little whippersnapper. It’s always Shout to the North this or Heart of Worship that with him. What about the Old Rugged Cross, hmm? HMM?…pagans.”

The red hymnal went on to explain that she also thinks the blue hymnal and chorus pamphlet have plans to eventually wipe her out altogether and have her placed in old banana boxes next to the furnace in the room off of the nursery.

~PEPSI UNVEILS NEW 'PEPSI MYSTERY'

The carbonanted beverage world was fizzed up Friday when Pepsi announced its new scintillating product 'Pepsi Mystery'.

"We liked Wild Cherry, Pepsi Blue, Twist and Vanilla just fine," said Pepsi Vice president Charles Hammond to a crowd of reporters who had gathered for the press briefing. "But this time we wanted to keep America guessing. Go ahead, take a sip...and it's not ginger."

Hammond went on to explain that the new Pepsi cousin will come in a black bottle simply marked by a dark blue question mark "?" and that the nurtritional information will be written in an ancient Mayan script.
He also announced that Pepsi has hired Bo Jackson to be the spokesman for the new product and that he will appear in commericials dressed like Sherlock Homes, where he will spark America's favorite new catchphrase by puckering up in shock and saying "Wow, that's some good Pepsi...I hope it doesn't give me cancer."

Represenatives from Coca-Cola were reportedly shocked by the announcement saying that their spies inside the Pepsi organization had been fed false information about a new Pepsi ice cream. But Coke said that they had rebounded quickly and inside of 24 hours had concocted their own new mystery syrup dubbed "Coke Confusion" that will be hitting stores in a couple of weeks. "This one is totally going to fool you," said Coke marketing rep Dave Horlan. "it's not just a bunch of Coke and Mirrors"

Meanwhile, people all over the nation had begun drinking the new Pepsi and positing theories about what the new ingredient is.

"I'm telling you it's pomegranate!" argued Mel Thomas, 76, with his wife Marla, 74 of White Plains, Pennsylvania. "Would you shut up about the garlic?"
"Dang we're all out," he added. "We'd better stop and get some more."

"I don't know," suggested Jake Garret, 27 of Phoenix. "I'm almost tempted to say it's Nacho Cheese. They probably had some big screw up over there at the Doritos and Pepsi factory and had to unload this @#%$."
"I think I'm going to be sick."

~Local man who claimed he could slay a Gorilla with his bare hands, dead at 37

"You've got to stare it down," Ron Patreich used to tell family and friends about his belief that, if required to, he could kill a gorilla with his bare hands. "It's all about staring the ape down." But staring the 600 lb beast down proved not quite enough Friday morning, when "Mr. Buckles" brutally killed Patreich at the San Diego zoo.

"Ron was talking about killing gorillas way back in college even", reported long time friend Bob Grandberg. "We all laughed at him thinking he was just messing around. We never, ever thought he'd crawl into the primate exhibit at the zoo just because some Gorilla 'looked at him wrong', and actually try and prove it."

Eyewitnesses report seeing a man at approximately 10 am suddenly appearing inside the cage with the gorilla, shouting obsenities at him and just walking straight towards the animal.

"I could tell by his LA Gear tennis shoes and fanny pack that he wasn't a vet or trainer or anything. He was just some dude. Well, he was just some dude until that gorilla made him just some dead dude," reported Dwayne Roberts, 21, who also described the scene as 'sorta bitchin' in a tragic kinda way'.

Mr. Buckles was reportedly startled at first by the intrusion of an unfamiliar human being into his layre but that reaction quickly turned to agitation when Patriech squatted down low to the ground, grabbed a handful of dirt and began to stare Mr. Buckles straight in the eye.

"We were all like 'hey, idiot! What are you doing?? That's a real-live gorilla!!' but all he did was say 'i know what I'm doing...trust me'" reported eyewitness Jayne Lefrond. "And that's when the gorilla started doing all that stuff they talk about in encyclopedias and show in movies and stuff...jumping around, flailing its arms....grunting like it was in heat....I wasn't sure if I should cover my daughter's eyes or let her see this magnificent display of nature."

While people continued to shout to Patreich and tried to distract the gorilla so the paper goods salesman could make his escape, the father of 3 just stayed in his crouched position eyeing the gorilla as it paced frantically and wildly on the opposite side of the cage.

"I am man," Patreich reportedly said soflty to the gigantic creature. "And I have chosen you to die by my hand." Then rising slowly he suddenly flung his handful of sand into Mr. Buckles eyes and rushed at him with a loud roar.

"His plan kinda worked to a degree," said Bruce Claiborn. "The gorilla was right in the middle of a grunt when that guy started his attack, and when he saw him coming for him he was so shocked his grunt trailed off into a surprised squeal. You could see it in the Ape's eyes. He was couldn't believe what was happening. It was a big departure from his usual routine of being hosed down by zoo attendants and then being tossed some Fruit Roll-ups..."

What happened next most witnesses described as 'breath-taking' and 'very, very jungle.' Rushing towards the beast, Patreich swung at the head of Mr. Buckles but had that hand caught in mid-air by the hand of the primate, which is 5 times larger and 25 times more powerful, and then had his entire body spun around in wind-mill fashion and flung into the Ape's own fecal matter. Somehow keeping the pain of his completely crushed five fingers quiet, Patreich reportedly picked himself up, crouched down for more sand but was met full in the face by the hurtling, hairy, gray-black mass that was Mr. Buckles.

Laying in a wrecked heap against the cage as the enraged Gorilla bounded away, throwing his beach ball and cabbage patch doll against the walls, Patreich picked himself up yet again, a smile blooming from his bleeding mouth. As the stunned crowd yelled at him to "lay down" and "play dead, bitch" he stood up as straight as possible and reportedly told Mr. Buckles:

"I guess you didn't hear me. I have chosen you to die. You will bow to my dominance, you damned, dirty Ape."

"I am Achilles, god of war" he added as he charged the Gorilla again. This time, however, Mr. Buckles had had enough, and he quickly flung his enormous arms around Patreich, throwing him to the ground and dispatching him with swift, brutal and almost surgical violence.

"You've got to give that man a little credit," reported Dwayne Roberts. "He had some good jukes. A couple real good fakes. I think at one point he actually had Mr. Buckles in a headlock of sorts. All in all not a bad effort and probably way better than I could've done. But goodness, don't just waltz into a Gorilla cage and pick a fight. You should start with a ring-tailed little fricker and work your way up to Chimpanzees or something first."

~Local Man no longer has love for his shoes, KSwiss

Local Main street resident and recent college graduate, Heath Greggs, no longer has love for his shoes, Kswiss, after falling in love with a pair of black Nikes.

"I didn't intend for this to happen," explained Greggs sitting on his porch. "Sometimes people just fall out of love."

The catalyst for the sudden change of heart came on Wednesday when Heath entered a Champs Sports store looking for a Boston Red Sox visor, and saw the shoe section towards the rear of the establishment.

"I decided to stroll on over and check out what kind of sales they might be having when, BAM, I saw this totally banging pair of black Nike basketball shoes. Full heel, hightop, straight black with a silver swoosh. I nearly fainted."

Wearing an impartial pair of Adidas slip-on sandals, Greggs handed over $115.00 to the clerk thus signifying his undying love and devotion to the Nikes.

"Don't get me wrong," Greggs stressed as he put his pair of white with red trim Kswiss sneakers in the closet next to the hamper, "these shoes and I have a lot of great memories. Like that time I outran those security guards at school after they smelled Marijuana at my buddy Doug's party. You can't buy those kind of memories. But this chapter in my life must end. I'm a college graduate now, and it's time I grew up.
At least my shoes don't say "NB" on the side. I'm still 22."

"But yeah, those shoes were great," Greggs sighed as he closed the closet door. "I will always have affection for and hope I can still be friends with my shoes, Kswiss

~Residents of Retirement Home Declare 'We will finish this puzzle'

The residents of Shady Meadows assisted living retirement home delcared resolutely Friday morning that they were going to finish the Candies of America! puzzle, even if it kills them. The puzzle, a 3 by 5 foot detailed jigsaw of an enlarged picture of a pile of American candies, has been sitting in the Shady Meadow's community center for nearly a month and a half as residents have tried to piece it together between naps and meals.

"I crouched in the jungle on Iwo Jima for 2 sweltering, malaria-crazed months," said WWII vet Burt Marcell. "And if I can sneak up to within 3 feet of a Japanese machine gun nest, throw in some grenades and then engage the enemy in hand to hand combat as they try to flee, while trying not to think about the hundreds of fire ants that just crawled up my khakis...then I can figure out where this piece of Mr. Goodbar should go."

"It's the damn Lifesavers," spat Iris McCallister, formerly of of Red Oaks, California, as she threw down a puzzle piece in disgust. "There's like a thousand rolls in this picture and they're all the same."

"U.S.S. Constitution was so much easier", added the mother of four.

But the determination to finish the puzzle has grown steadily among Shady Meadow's population, fueled in part by a rumor being spread that the residents of 'The Pond' (Blue Pond Acres Retirement Village) had completed the same puzzle and that their staff had then framed it and put it in the main lobby.

"We'll show those geriatrics a thing or two" said Ralph Ales before keeling over and dying. "Our Christmas decorations are always jollier than theirs and I'll be damned if they think they can out-puzzle us."

In pursuit of their cause the Residents have requested extra servings of energy-giving Maypo cereal, shorter choir class and increased dosages of medication as well as more inspiring Murder She Wrote reruns.
"I've never wanted anything more in my life", sputtered Judith Speils as she clutched a triple-slotted puzzle piece aparently depicting the corner of a box of JuJu Bees. "Although a blue-eyed grandchild would be nice too."

"Oh no," chimed in Anna Baumner desperately and sadly. "No more Stork Chocolate Reisens, please Mrs. Smith!" Attendants then quietly wheeled her out to the courtyard for some fresh air.
"It's okay Annie, we'll have it done by the time you get back," her friends lied to her softly.

"My money is on the puzzle," said Trent Cole, a Shady Meadow's maintenance worker, as he buffed a floor near the dining room. "They can't seem to understand that Reese's pieces and Reese's peanut butter cups are two totally different candies. I actually heard one of them yell out yesterday 'I get it! The cups must hold the pieces!!'."

The sympathetic staff have considered going in at night when everyone is asleep or dead and helping them finish the puzzle, but have held back to far. "Nothing makes me happier than to see their faces light up when they finally get one of those friggin Snickers done," said Kitchen staffer Michelle Hamel. "It really satisfies."

~Civil War Buff “Advances” on Local Pharmacy

Sources close to self-proclaimed Civil War buff, William Ives, reported that the 55 year old successfully advanced on the local Rite Aid pharmacy Wednesday morning for much needed sun block and anti-histamine supplies.
Ives awoke early Wednesday morning to a forecast of sunny skies with highs in the upper 80’s. Sensing a threat to the un-burnt skin and clear sinuses he holds so dear, Ives made the bold decision to raid the Rite Aid at first light before the enemy had a chance to rise high into the sky, releasing pollen into the air and before it could quote, “burn up my men like so much straw in a barn blaze.”
The decision for the strike was not come to quickly or lightly. Ives reportedly retired to his parlor to pace back and forth, sip a glass of brandy and smoke a cigar while the decision of whether to attack or not weighed heavily on his soul. Finally he emerged resolutely from the parlor and announced firmly and evenly to his dog, Ulysses, to gather his things. It was “time.”
Then he checked underneath the bathroom sink to make sure the Banana Boat tube of SPF 15 sunscreen was actually empty.
Ives authoritatively strode into the kitchen, grabbed his wife’s “Precious Moments” note pad and proceeded to write her a note:
“My darling, sweetest Molly,” the note read. “I can still feel your touch on my brow and your soft kiss planted on my cheek. I am off to do war…a thing which makes my heart thump, my pulse quicken like a roaring river in spring, my senses to sharpen like a thousand needles pressed into my thigh and my will and desire for honor to strengthen. War…a thing that does all of this as a mere fraction of the way you do it.
Give Robert my love. Tell him to always mind you.”

Then whistling for Ulysses he got in his truck and headed downtown towards the Rite Aid, stopping only briefly at Silas’s Smart Shop for some “rations”.
“Good, good. Eat up boys,” Ives said as he hand fed his Golden Retriever some Hawaiian popcorn, “you’ll need your strength, especially after such a harsh winter.”

Finally reaching the Rite Aid parking lot, Ives parked under a giant oak, the biggest one for miles, so he would be sure to remember how to find his vehicle if he became “disoriented by the haze of battle and hopelessly lost.” He left Ulysses to guard camp and then he proceeded on foot to “reconnoiter” the shopping plaza.
As soon as the Pharmacist unlocked the front doors and brought in the morning newspapers from the sidewalk, Ives burst in, face flushed, Visa outstretched.
“Coppertone?” He asked the startled pharmacist in a steely monotone. Grabbing the bottle of sun block and quickly snagging his wife’s preferred brand of anti-histamine medicine, Ives rushed to the counter, flung his purchases down and then carefully eyed the windows, door and tall brush. “Here, this too,” Ives said as he placed some twizzlers and a doggie treat on the countertop.
Transaction completed, Ives smiled his wily smile and ducked back out the door, with his troops' desperately-needed supplies placed carefully in a brown paper bag and tucked securely under his arm. With “Ive’s Raid” now a part of history he ran back to Oak Tree Camp, jumped back into his truck and sped back north on the highway.
“We done it boys!”, He shouted to Ulysses as he scratched him behind the ears and gave him his treat. “We done did it.”

~EARTH TO BE REMEMBERED FOR THE PHRASE "GO F*CK YOURSELF"

The UN released today its ruling on the much anticipated "End of the World" contingency plan. The plan states that if an alien force ever comes to Earth, scorching its skies, salting its soil and systematically exterminating the human race that the final human soul is supposed to say to the alien leader, "Go f*ck yourself".

"We're pretty pleased with the results," said UN Secretary General Kofi Annan. "We floated a lot of different ideas, phrases and euphemisms but at the end of the day we all pretty much felt like 'go f*ck yourself' really summed it up best."

"It was the first time I'd ever seen the Jews and Palestinians ever completely agree on something," Annan added.

The Secretary General then went on to ask that all human beings familiarize themselves with the phrase and to be prepared to use it should they be the one dragged aboard the alien's imperial spacecraft and asked what they had to say in defense of their now extinct species in front of the supreme alien leader.

Representatives from all 198 nations attended the summit in Rome and all brought their own ideas for what Earth's final verbal blaze of glory should be.

The summit's most dramatic moment came when the French contingent stormed out of the talks after their suggestion of "Thank you for freeing me from my Earthly cage, Oh great and glorious master, How may I now serve you" didn't make the final round.

Many were also surprised that the USA, birthplace of the phrase, didn't initially support the statement.

"You might think that America would've wanted local boy 'go f*ck yourself' to be there at the very end of human existence" said Vice President Dick Cheney to reporters earlier this morning. "But there was also some pretty strong support for 'Make my day',

'You want of a piece of me?', and

'phone home this' while giving the aliens the finger. Also the President was strongly in support of 'Don't mess with Texas.'"

But the pivotal and deciding moment for all nations came during a pageant put on by the GFY contingent. On an elaborate set depicting the evil aliens' spaceship, with many costumed aliens looking on, a small Cambodian peasant boy was dragged before their villainous Emperor.

"We found him among the charred remains of one of their Rainforests, master", one of the guards told the alien leader. "Our scanners show that he is the last survivor."

"I see. You've pleased me greatly Gorlok. You will be rewarded handsomely," Emperor Barnok grumbled deeply as he turned his attention to the bleeding, broken boy. "Before I vaporize you, Earthling scum, and wipe your species from the universe forever, is there anything you have to say for your people, of whom you are the last one ever?"

The Boy, struggling, raised himself up on one elbow, and strained his neck to make eye-contact with the extra-terrestrial. Summoning all of his strength the boy spat at his feet and said with venom, "Go f*ck yourself, b*tch." The Aliens then erupted in a fiery furor, squealing loudly and waving their tenticals wildly before they liquified the slyly smiling human boy.

All in attendence sat in stunned, tearful silence before breaking into loud, crazed applause. "He was right", shouted Mexican President Vicente Fox to Russian President Vladimir Putin over the din of applause. "That guy was a b*tch."

Annan said that this conference was necesarry because "many humans might be tempted to say something that would not properly represent the entire species" and that quote, "we couldn't guarantee that Will Smith would be the last human alive."

When reached for comment the Pope reportedly shrugged his shoulders and said "I think that's about right."

~AREA MOVIE THEATRE TRIES DESPERATELY TO CATCH NEMESIS 'EL LARDO'

Movie theatre attendents at MoviePlex 9 in downtown Rutland are reportedly trying to catch a man they've dubbed "El Lardo" who has been sneaking in contraband food items for the past 8 months on a scale the world of cinema has simply never seen.

"He's laughing at us," said Melissa Graff, concession stand attendent. "But we can't hear him laughing because his face is stuffed with Hershey's miniatures candybars from the store next door."

"It began innocently enough," explained Chris Evans, assistant manager for MoviePlex 9, "You know...an empty Ben & Jerry's ice cream pint here, or a hollow can of Pringles thrown under a seat there...but lately he's just been getting out of hand. When I found that empty box of Honey nut Cheerios, crumpled-up quart of milk, paper bowl and plastic spoon I was truly, genuinely stunned - Shocked even - That's his calling card...always leaving the remains of whatever it was he snuck in."

"He's such a little bastard," Evans added.

The employees of the 9 theatre megaplex reported that they have begun to keep copious notes on the perpetrator and believe that they will catch him sooner or later. "He likes action films mostly," reports reel attendent Art Ellis. "He saw 'XXX State of the Nation' twice, and this last time he brought a pepperoni pizza instead of the sausage one he brought in the first time. I guess he thought that maybe a pepperoni topping would make the movie not suck that time around. But he was wrong. All that sucked was having to go and clean his mozzarella cheese and empty pizza box up off the theatre floor."

"He knows we're on to him" Evans said seethingly between his teeth as he absent-mindedly over-salted some popcorn. "He and his McDonald's extra value meal saw "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" last week. We never saw that one coming. He's totally playing with us. But he'll screw up somewhere along the way and I'll be right there to....what? Yeah, of course he SuperSized it."

Evans and Concession manger Jim Price have begun to set their sights on the release of "Dukes of Hazzard" as the time and place to catch 'El Lardo', with plans to place plain-clothed movie attendents in strategic places in the audience in the hopes of hearing lips smacking and the chewing of KFC.

"He won't be able to resist a film like that, or be able to resist KFC's blend of 11 spices," Price said. " Duke's vapid plot and predictable writing are a siren's song to this guy. Plus I think he knows he has a reputation to live up to now and if he fails to infiltrate this flick, one of the summer's most anticipated blockbusters...well, then he'll think he's lost his touch. He's like a serial killer, who's lusting for more blood or death or something. Even if that 'blood' is an entire six-pack of Mountain Dew and half a watermelon from the corner market...He totally gets off on it."

Theories on how he accomplishes this feat range wildly, from his having the items lowered from the roof by an accomplice to his maybe being a rogue ninja disowned by his master. Either way, the movie theatre employees remained stumped.

"I think he must have a man on the inside," ticket agent Jess Moore theorized. "No one could sneak in a steaming platter of hot blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs without help."

"We showed Mission Impossible here," She added. "It wasn't shot here, dude."

"I wonder what he'll try and sneak in next time," Evans wondered aloud as he scrubbed up some of 'El Lardo's' A-1 sauce off the floor of theatre 3. "He'll probably try and smuggle in a Wok and do some stir fry or something, the little whore."

~The End is near; Someone actually bought a Geo Tracker

In a stunning move that has shocked people of all races, creeds and nationalities Wes Howard bought a Geo Tracker Saturday of his own free will.

"I'd gone to the dealership with my heart set on a Jeep Wrangler", said Howard, 44, a graphic designer from Springfield, Massachusettes. "Before I knew it the salesman was saying how the engine for the Tracker was built in Korea and would last, like, a gazillion times longer than a Jeep and that I could still take the top off. He even helped me rationalize away the purple top on a black body as 'totally 80's retro'. I think he called me Crocodile Dundee a couple of times and then BAM!...So there it is," the father of 2 said dejectedly as he pointed with shame at the 93 Tracker sitting in his driveway.

"I wish I'd never been born", he added.

Attempts to squeeze his eyes shut, clench his fists, grind his teeth real hard and telepathically will his new car into something cool have proven unsuccesful. Also, attempts to wash it with holy water have still not changed the fact that his car is a homosexual.

The President was awakend and notified by Chief of Staff Andy Card at approximately 4:30 am this morning. He immediately issued a statement asking for calm and order among the American people. "We are looking into reports of this purchase and I promise to find out if it is true. For years people have been driving Trackers as a result of getting them as graduation presents or practical jokes, but for someone to buy one of his own volition...well that's unthinkable not to mention unAmerican."

Bush went on to ask that all Americans go about their day as usual and be sure to "hug their children extra tight". He also noted that it didn't appear as if any of his tax cut money had gone toward the purchase of the vehicle and that the transaction was made in Massachusettes, home of John Kerry. Meanwhile, back in Springfield, Wes Howard was driving his "Geo Fricker" in the countryside scouting out swamps and ravines for possible places to 'have an accident'.

"I don't want to take any chances", Howard said as he intentionally and spitefully spilled a cup of coffee on the back seat. "When I crash this mother I want to make sure he's truly cooked. Having a Tracker is bad enough but having a Tracker with a dent in it that's still driveable would just be salt in my wounds. Hey, that pond looks deep, right?"

His wife, Laura, had very little to say as of press time. "He's totally going to need some Levitra after this is all said and done," she did offer however. "Next time I see that commercial I'll be sure and take down the number

~WAL-MART UNVEILS NEW 'DISPOSABLE WAL-MART'

In an attempt to become more "nimble", Wal-mart announced this week its plan to open up several disposable versions of its popular superstores. These stores will be stocked one time only and will be located in small towns all over the USA.

"We really wanted to seek out ways to better serve the people of this great country" said Vice President of Expansion Kreig Leclair as he was pitching in at the grand opening of a disposable Wal-mart in Heald, Ohio (pop. 2100). "Before today the fine people of Heald would've had to have driven 25 miles to Grover (pop. 23,000) to buy this Creed CD", the Vice President said holding the disc up for all to see. "But now they can have it almost instantly."

"Let us take you higher", Leclair said as the crowd oooohed and awwwwwed.

"But only 3 of you." He quickly added. "That's all the Creed CDs we have. That’s all the Creed CDs we're gonna have."

Each disposable Wal-mart will employ approximately 30 people and will be constructed of a clay-based substance which will simply melt away with the spring rains.

"Even after this structure has long been ecologically added into your fields and streams and your 30 or so town mates have hung up their blue vests," Leclair said as he addressed the crowd which had come to see the grand opening, "it warms my heart to think of these items still being bought and sold at your various yard and garage sales for years and years to come." Beginning to cry tears of happiness Leclair leaned into the microphone and said "clean up on aisle 12", as he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and dabbed his eyes.

-The crowd erupted in Disney-like laughter and applause-

Many in the town could barely contain their material-driven consumer frenzy; "I came to stock up on double-stuff Oreos, some Ensure weight-loss formula and a bathroom scale" said longtime resident Beth Levine, 38. "That'll cover my roller-coaster, emotional attitudes about my weight for almost a year!"

"Me?", asked Marty Wood, 67. "Well I suppose I'll get me a dishpan drainer or something. Some Halloween costumes maybe. Ooh look! A battery-tester for only $26.99."

Many in the economic community are agreeing that this is a marketing coup. "This is genius", says Professor of economics at Georgetown, James Wynne. "Although if they were going to be honest they'd admit they got the idea from Ames which had been doing disposable stores for years."

~Local Man Saved from Encounter with Mentally Handicapped Person

Local video consultant and McDonald's patron Peter Betrand was miraculously saved from an encounter with local handicapped McDonald's employee Robby Gates inside the South Main st McDonald's men's room on Wednesday.
"I was in the toilet stall relieving myself when suddenly I heard that guy who made my shake come in saying that it was time for his 'chocolate milk to look like lemonade, chocolate milk to look like lemonade'. I smiled to myself thinking he just needed to use the urinal, but that smile turned into full-on, dropped-jaw, furrowed-brow shock when I heard him trying my stall door and trying it hard."
Betrand then decided to utter the ageless and universal "someone's in here". An offering that went apparently unheard and unheeded. "That's when he started to really yank away on the door. I mean he was really giving it hell. The walls around me were shaking and all I could say was 'whoa whoa whoa' but i guess the acoustics in there weren't very good and he was undeterred."

The married father of 3 then took a deep breath and deliberately tried one more time-

"Someone's in here!"

"That's been working for years. You don't have to be a Navajo windtalker to crack that code. They know about that way the heck out in Alpha Centauri. It means back off and hold up a second, Bro."

His second attempt was returned with some heavy breathing and "stuck stuck, out of luck, stuck stuck, out of luck". All hope seemed to be lost when Betrand saw Robby get on his knees, witnessed his McDonald's visor fall to the floor and realized that the part-time, government subsidized employee and lover of McFlurries was preparing a ground assault by sliding under the partition.

"I had grabbed a roll of toilet paper and was ready to try and repulse his advances when suddenly...out in the bathroom...by this sinks...I heard the calvary coming."

"Hey Retard", said the voice, whose identity is not known, "don't you get it? Someone's using that crapper."

There was a brief silence. Then the man said in a sterner, louder tone: "You want fries with that, Corky?...Someone's in there."

Gates, after a shorter silence, then reportedly said "Ohhhhhkay! That's Great! Have a good day!!", stood back up and left without making his lemonade.

"I was so relieved, hugging my shoulders and taking in so many short, panicked breaths," said a visibly shaken Betrand in the parking lot of Rutland's first McDonald's "that I never got to say thank you to that man. His precision strike and devotion to society is truly admirable. We should all endeavor to be his type of citizen."

"He was a McHero today"