~Pentagon Announces New 'Operation Desert Good Ole Boy'

“I knew this mission was gonna be different when the Lieutenant said to leave our weapons behind and to wear comfortable shoes”, said PFC Marcus Swift about operation Desert Good Ole Boy, a new and broad Pentagon initiative for putting down the insurgency in Iraq. “And instead of handing out rations and water beforehand, the supply Sergeant just gave us straight whiskey”.

“I surprised (known Al-Qaeda linked terrorist) Mohamed Al-Akbar in the courtyard walking to the bathroom or something”, says PFC Buddy Spears from Farwell, Nebraska. He was pretty surprised to see an American G.I. just waltzing into his place like that; not armed to the teeth, no Kevlar and no, like, 20 helicopters hovering overhead. But I’m pretty sure he didn’t have to finish his trip to the bathroom when I was done with him, because I had already, totally beaten the crap out of that guy.”

While Spears was outside giving Al-Akbar the beating of his life the rest of his platoon had entered the mud-brick home located in Northwest Fallujah from a back window and had surprised Al-Akbar’s comrades in various positions of rest, relaxation and even insurgence.

“(Yemeni national) Hamada Ghafour dropped the grenade launcher he was oiling and tried bolting for the door but Dick (PFC Richard Notts) and I done cornered him and beat him like a red-headed step-child.” Reported Corporal Nick Lyle. “Stop terrorizing innocent people…and those roadside bombs. Dude, stop doing that cheap stuff,” the soldiers yelled at him as they reigned blow after blow upon him.

“Red-headed step child,” He repeated pounding his fist to add emphasis. “But he was better off then that one dude from Syria. The Lieutenant and Sergeant Bufts took him into a side room and....well, the only thing he got by coming here was some Syria-ous pain.”

After thoroughly, soundly and severely thumping the known insurgents the unit took some food from their fridge, changed the scrolling marquis on their PCs to read “these colors don’t run” and simply walked out the front door; leaving the rebels with black and blue bodies and heads…heads that were busy trying to compute what the heck had just happened.

“No, we didn’t disarm them or search the premises for contraband,” said Lieutenent Jim Warren from Waco, Texas. “We had to beat feet to Tikrit to rock that one dude from Saudi Arabia's world. Our intel said it was his birthday.”

Such missions are now being carried out all over Iraq, from Mosul to Basra with the idea for operation Desert Good Ole Boy being said to have come straight from the Oval Office, reports a high-ranking official on the condition of anonymity.

“The President had just been given a grim assessment by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld concerning the tenacity and ideology of the insurgents. ‘They simply don’t care if they die or not, Mr. President’ Rumsfeld told Bush."

The President then reportedly stared at a painting of Abraham Lincoln for several moments as if trying to find some sort of guidance.

"Well", he responded, "Would they mind getting beaten to within an inch of their lives?" Everyone in the oval office grew very quiet. It wasn’t so much that they had felt a policy shift had just happened, but it was more like ‘Yeah…let’s get back to our roots. Let’s totally rock these guys. We’ve made dying way too easy what with our unmanned drones and tomahawk cruise missles. Whatever happened to America making examples out of people?’”

“Word will get around the Iraq.” The President reportedly told Rumsfeld. “We’re not going to let these people just up and die anymore. They’re going to have to face us day after day. This is their day job now. They’re working 9 to 5.”

When asked how the Coalition should go about executing this new directive the President suggested enlisting more guys from “The south.” Bush then leaned across the desk, looked Rumsfled in the eye and said “The deep south”.

“Let’s tell them we’re not Al-Qidding anymore.”

The new initiative has been met with wide approval from almost all branches of military service with Platoons roaming the streets in their free time looking for rebels to beat, and some openly hoping the war escalates into a conflict with Syria or Iran. “I heard Osama might be hiding there. I’d love to be the guy who gives Bin Laden his first wedgie” reported Lieutenant Toby Brax outside of a market in Baghdad as he let former Iraqi Republican Guard member Khalid Moqed out of a headlock and sent him scurrying and limping into an alleyway.

“Tell your friends about me!”, he yelled after him.

“Yee-haw” exclaimed PFC Roger Dawson sitting down to ice his hands back in the mess hall. “Let’s take the hummer next time and blast like Aerosmith’s Walk This Way or Queen’s We Will Rock You. That would totally elevate me to the next level.”

Just then Corporal Dan Jenkins entered the hall and with typical, sunshiney American bravado Dawson and Jenkins pointed at each other, winked and in cadence said their unit’s new slogan: “Take no prisoners, leave no casualties.”