~LOCAL MAN LOSES HIS DVD REMOTE CONTROL; IS TOTALLY SCREWED NOW

Local man, Jason Hughes, has lost his DVD remote control and is "royally screwed now" report his circle of friends. "He can't do crap with his DVDs."

Hughes first bought his DVD player in June, a Samsung 8900, with some extra money he got doing a side job for his boss. "Jason loved that DVD player and ever since he got it he's just been going crazy buying like the Star Wars movies and stuff," says his boss, Doug Ereeton. "But his machine is useless without that remote. The front panel to his player has 4 buttons: power, eject, play and stop. No scene selection, no extras, no director's cut and you can forget the wide-screen edition and bloopers, pal. No more slowing down the light sabre battle between Obie Wan and Darth Maul, either...You're screwed, pal."

His other friends, who helped Hughes search his couch cushions and potted plants, agreed that the situation seemed hopeless. "I came in the other day and he was sitting on his couch watching Braveheart and i was like 'Dude! did you find your remote?' and he just shook his head and said that 'it's on TBS'," remarked close friend, Mark Saez.

"I was like 'The superstation, Jay?! You're actually watching the Superstation?? Poor guy."

"I've looked everywhere," said a glossy-eyed hughes as he rested his soda on top of a "Matrix Reloaded" DVD, which now serves as a coaster, and turned his attention towards CNN Headline News. "I've pretty much given up and am going to put my DVDs on ebay and then pull back out my VHS player...it always treated me right."

"Ooh look", he added. "We invaded Iraq?"