~TOOTSIE ROLLS GIVE UP

Tootsie Rolls, the chewey chocolately candy known worldwide, gave up Wednesday, after a long and dedicated effort to trick the American public into thinking they tasted good.

"Oh well," Said Tootsie Rolls CEO Rick Myran. "We gave it a real good effort. Americans are incredibly aware of our existence but whenever they eat us, it's really more of an obligatory thing."

"Wow...that's shocking," remarked Jean Murrow of Toledo, Ohio when told the news. "But I guess it's true. The only time I ever eat one of those things is when firemen throw them at a parade or they're in a waiting room or something."

Meanwhile, in related news, Peeps sighed and announced that they'll stick it out another year.

Of these 480 "midgees" it is estimated that only between 3-5 will actually make it inside a human being's stomach. 200 will lay scattered in a cluttered desk drawer of a college student's dorm room, 125 will somehow go unnoticed under the couch and in its cushions, 75 will be discontentedly chewed on by dogs, and the rest will melt into an unrollable, sticky pile inside some car down south.