~Kerry Urges All Americans To Toast Their Pop Tarts

In a recent speech indicating a substantial policy change, John Kerry urged all Americans to put aside "years of dry eating" and to once again return to normalcy by "doing the right thing and toasting their Pop Tarts."

"Under this administration people have given up all Pop Tart pretense...just resigning themselves to eating them raw straight from their silver-lined plastic wrappers. This is not the America I want to live in," Kerry told a gathering of steel workers at a factory just outside Pittsburgh.

"I guess that my opponent, George Bush, just prefers the Tomahawk cruise missile -roasted flesh of an Iraqi peasant to the ooey gooey goodness of a hot blueberry Pop Tart," he added as campaign workers wheeled out several toasters and began toasting the kellogg's breakfast snack for all in attendence. “We must think of the children.”

"Mmmm," a delightedly confused Ted King, 46, remarked as he broke apart a freshly toasted pop tart and devoured it. "That funny-looking liberal Senator from Massachusettes may be on to something. When he said that these were invented in 1964 under the Johnson Admnistration and were designed to be toasted I thought it was just some more nutzo stuff from him...but he's right. This is truly the man to lead us into the 21st century. This man is truly a problem solver. May I have another??”

"Ooh, look, there's even a little steam", Raymond Trudeau pointed out to his wife, Dolores as they enjoyed a hot cinnamon and brown sugar breakfast treat. "That's the same kind of steam he'll be putting on Osama Bin laden, I'm sure."

"Eat, America, eat...Look at you. You're skin and bones," Kerry told the assemblage as he looked over them from the stage. "That's right. Toast it. Good, good."

The Bush camp has shot back, saying that this is more evidence of desperation from the issue-strapped democratic nominee.

"President Bush has always been a big supporter of toasting Pop Tarts," White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters yesterday. “Just the other day Dick (Vice President Cheney) rushed into the Oval Office all flushed saying that they were late for a meeting with the Joint Chiefs. Bush just calmly put a finger to his mouth asking for quiet and then pointed to the toaster up against the wall. ‘I’m not going anywhere without a hearty, healthy breakfast…and a warm one too, Dick. The buck stops here.’”

McClellan also told reporters that if they wanted to know how to get that nasty mustard stain out of their favorite khakis, Bush was “the right man for you.”