~Residents of Retirement Home Declare 'We will finish this puzzle'

The residents of Shady Meadows assisted living retirement home delcared resolutely Friday morning that they were going to finish the Candies of America! puzzle, even if it kills them. The puzzle, a 3 by 5 foot detailed jigsaw of an enlarged picture of a pile of American candies, has been sitting in the Shady Meadow's community center for nearly a month and a half as residents have tried to piece it together between naps and meals.

"I crouched in the jungle on Iwo Jima for 2 sweltering, malaria-crazed months," said WWII vet Burt Marcell. "And if I can sneak up to within 3 feet of a Japanese machine gun nest, throw in some grenades and then engage the enemy in hand to hand combat as they try to flee, while trying not to think about the hundreds of fire ants that just crawled up my khakis...then I can figure out where this piece of Mr. Goodbar should go."

"It's the damn Lifesavers," spat Iris McCallister, formerly of of Red Oaks, California, as she threw down a puzzle piece in disgust. "There's like a thousand rolls in this picture and they're all the same."

"U.S.S. Constitution was so much easier", added the mother of four.

But the determination to finish the puzzle has grown steadily among Shady Meadow's population, fueled in part by a rumor being spread that the residents of 'The Pond' (Blue Pond Acres Retirement Village) had completed the same puzzle and that their staff had then framed it and put it in the main lobby.

"We'll show those geriatrics a thing or two" said Ralph Ales before keeling over and dying. "Our Christmas decorations are always jollier than theirs and I'll be damned if they think they can out-puzzle us."

In pursuit of their cause the Residents have requested extra servings of energy-giving Maypo cereal, shorter choir class and increased dosages of medication as well as more inspiring Murder She Wrote reruns.
"I've never wanted anything more in my life", sputtered Judith Speils as she clutched a triple-slotted puzzle piece aparently depicting the corner of a box of JuJu Bees. "Although a blue-eyed grandchild would be nice too."

"Oh no," chimed in Anna Baumner desperately and sadly. "No more Stork Chocolate Reisens, please Mrs. Smith!" Attendants then quietly wheeled her out to the courtyard for some fresh air.
"It's okay Annie, we'll have it done by the time you get back," her friends lied to her softly.

"My money is on the puzzle," said Trent Cole, a Shady Meadow's maintenance worker, as he buffed a floor near the dining room. "They can't seem to understand that Reese's pieces and Reese's peanut butter cups are two totally different candies. I actually heard one of them yell out yesterday 'I get it! The cups must hold the pieces!!'."

The sympathetic staff have considered going in at night when everyone is asleep or dead and helping them finish the puzzle, but have held back to far. "Nothing makes me happier than to see their faces light up when they finally get one of those friggin Snickers done," said Kitchen staffer Michelle Hamel. "It really satisfies."