~The End is near; Someone actually bought a Geo Tracker

In a stunning move that has shocked people of all races, creeds and nationalities Wes Howard bought a Geo Tracker Saturday of his own free will.

"I'd gone to the dealership with my heart set on a Jeep Wrangler", said Howard, 44, a graphic designer from Springfield, Massachusettes. "Before I knew it the salesman was saying how the engine for the Tracker was built in Korea and would last, like, a gazillion times longer than a Jeep and that I could still take the top off. He even helped me rationalize away the purple top on a black body as 'totally 80's retro'. I think he called me Crocodile Dundee a couple of times and then BAM!...So there it is," the father of 2 said dejectedly as he pointed with shame at the 93 Tracker sitting in his driveway.

"I wish I'd never been born", he added.

Attempts to squeeze his eyes shut, clench his fists, grind his teeth real hard and telepathically will his new car into something cool have proven unsuccesful. Also, attempts to wash it with holy water have still not changed the fact that his car is a homosexual.

The President was awakend and notified by Chief of Staff Andy Card at approximately 4:30 am this morning. He immediately issued a statement asking for calm and order among the American people. "We are looking into reports of this purchase and I promise to find out if it is true. For years people have been driving Trackers as a result of getting them as graduation presents or practical jokes, but for someone to buy one of his own volition...well that's unthinkable not to mention unAmerican."

Bush went on to ask that all Americans go about their day as usual and be sure to "hug their children extra tight". He also noted that it didn't appear as if any of his tax cut money had gone toward the purchase of the vehicle and that the transaction was made in Massachusettes, home of John Kerry. Meanwhile, back in Springfield, Wes Howard was driving his "Geo Fricker" in the countryside scouting out swamps and ravines for possible places to 'have an accident'.

"I don't want to take any chances", Howard said as he intentionally and spitefully spilled a cup of coffee on the back seat. "When I crash this mother I want to make sure he's truly cooked. Having a Tracker is bad enough but having a Tracker with a dent in it that's still driveable would just be salt in my wounds. Hey, that pond looks deep, right?"

His wife, Laura, had very little to say as of press time. "He's totally going to need some Levitra after this is all said and done," she did offer however. "Next time I see that commercial I'll be sure and take down the number