~Local man who claimed he could slay a Gorilla with his bare hands, dead at 37

"You've got to stare it down," Ron Patreich used to tell family and friends about his belief that, if required to, he could kill a gorilla with his bare hands. "It's all about staring the ape down." But staring the 600 lb beast down proved not quite enough Friday morning, when "Mr. Buckles" brutally killed Patreich at the San Diego zoo.

"Ron was talking about killing gorillas way back in college even", reported long time friend Bob Grandberg. "We all laughed at him thinking he was just messing around. We never, ever thought he'd crawl into the primate exhibit at the zoo just because some Gorilla 'looked at him wrong', and actually try and prove it."

Eyewitnesses report seeing a man at approximately 10 am suddenly appearing inside the cage with the gorilla, shouting obsenities at him and just walking straight towards the animal.

"I could tell by his LA Gear tennis shoes and fanny pack that he wasn't a vet or trainer or anything. He was just some dude. Well, he was just some dude until that gorilla made him just some dead dude," reported Dwayne Roberts, 21, who also described the scene as 'sorta bitchin' in a tragic kinda way'.

Mr. Buckles was reportedly startled at first by the intrusion of an unfamiliar human being into his layre but that reaction quickly turned to agitation when Patriech squatted down low to the ground, grabbed a handful of dirt and began to stare Mr. Buckles straight in the eye.

"We were all like 'hey, idiot! What are you doing?? That's a real-live gorilla!!' but all he did was say 'i know what I'm doing...trust me'" reported eyewitness Jayne Lefrond. "And that's when the gorilla started doing all that stuff they talk about in encyclopedias and show in movies and stuff...jumping around, flailing its arms....grunting like it was in heat....I wasn't sure if I should cover my daughter's eyes or let her see this magnificent display of nature."

While people continued to shout to Patreich and tried to distract the gorilla so the paper goods salesman could make his escape, the father of 3 just stayed in his crouched position eyeing the gorilla as it paced frantically and wildly on the opposite side of the cage.

"I am man," Patreich reportedly said soflty to the gigantic creature. "And I have chosen you to die by my hand." Then rising slowly he suddenly flung his handful of sand into Mr. Buckles eyes and rushed at him with a loud roar.

"His plan kinda worked to a degree," said Bruce Claiborn. "The gorilla was right in the middle of a grunt when that guy started his attack, and when he saw him coming for him he was so shocked his grunt trailed off into a surprised squeal. You could see it in the Ape's eyes. He was couldn't believe what was happening. It was a big departure from his usual routine of being hosed down by zoo attendants and then being tossed some Fruit Roll-ups..."

What happened next most witnesses described as 'breath-taking' and 'very, very jungle.' Rushing towards the beast, Patreich swung at the head of Mr. Buckles but had that hand caught in mid-air by the hand of the primate, which is 5 times larger and 25 times more powerful, and then had his entire body spun around in wind-mill fashion and flung into the Ape's own fecal matter. Somehow keeping the pain of his completely crushed five fingers quiet, Patreich reportedly picked himself up, crouched down for more sand but was met full in the face by the hurtling, hairy, gray-black mass that was Mr. Buckles.

Laying in a wrecked heap against the cage as the enraged Gorilla bounded away, throwing his beach ball and cabbage patch doll against the walls, Patreich picked himself up yet again, a smile blooming from his bleeding mouth. As the stunned crowd yelled at him to "lay down" and "play dead, bitch" he stood up as straight as possible and reportedly told Mr. Buckles:

"I guess you didn't hear me. I have chosen you to die. You will bow to my dominance, you damned, dirty Ape."

"I am Achilles, god of war" he added as he charged the Gorilla again. This time, however, Mr. Buckles had had enough, and he quickly flung his enormous arms around Patreich, throwing him to the ground and dispatching him with swift, brutal and almost surgical violence.

"You've got to give that man a little credit," reported Dwayne Roberts. "He had some good jukes. A couple real good fakes. I think at one point he actually had Mr. Buckles in a headlock of sorts. All in all not a bad effort and probably way better than I could've done. But goodness, don't just waltz into a Gorilla cage and pick a fight. You should start with a ring-tailed little fricker and work your way up to Chimpanzees or something first."